The first time I cried during orgasm was with a casual fling I had in the wake of a horrible breakup from a super toxic relationship. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have been having sex with anyone, but I was desperate to hold on to any sort of normalcy, even if it meant acting like the breakup was something I could just easily get over by fucking a casual acquaintance. The rush of the emotion when I came was overwhelming and I couldn’t stop the tears. I was incredibly embarrassed and tried to hide the reaction by squeezing my eyes shut and burying my face in a pillow, attempting to make noises to distract from the crying.
This actually deserves several volumes. A whole library, even. Sex is this idea that permeates so many aspects of our life: The pursuit of it colors many interactions between people. The idea of it makes people excited or angry. There are laws about who gets to have it and how, and even laws about how to talk about it and to whom. But when the topic gets brought up, so few of us are on the same page about what we are even talking about.
I recently attended my metamour’s* birthday party, which was a sex party thrown and hosted by our mutual person. Leading up to the event I had many thoughts surrounding my invitation to the party: Do I want to go? Does my metamour want me there? Does my sweetie want me there? How comfortable are we all going to be in this situation? Will I know other people in attendance? Is it going to be weird if I see my sweetie and her partner having sex? Do I trust everyone to act respectfully?
Content Warning: Depression, Toxic Relationships, Chronic Pain
I have always been a sexual person, but I have not always had regular sex, even with myself. Continue reading “Losing Myself, Losing My Libido”